Mm.
Don't you two ever make it to chow at the same time?
Little woman's probably worked up one hell of an appetite.
Out boogiein' all night?
- Boogieing - Yeah, you know... dancing.
Well, didn't they set up a disco in the Casablanca bar?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I hit the sack early last night with Christopher Isherwood.
- Mouse, do you have-- - Wait a minute. Run that by me again.
- It's a book. - Christopher and His Kind.
- Mouse, I really think-- - What's it about?
He wrote Cabaret.
- Ah. It's about Krauts, huh? - You bet.
They have blueberry pancakes today, Mouse.
Isn't Liza Minnelli just darling?
Hm?
Okay, so, give me the dirt.
Come on!
Did he ravish you on the poop deck, brutalize you in the bilge?
Suck your toes?
- Buy you a cup of coffee? - Mouse, you ruined breakfast for me.
Okay, so If I'm so boring, why didn't you ask Burke to join us?
What, so you can tell Melvin Arnold snappy stories about the little woman?
Hey look, the young married routine was your idea, remember?
- Lower your voice! - Lower your own goddamn voice.
What the hell do you think I am, anyway? Rent a Hubby?
[telephone ringing]
[sighs]
[grunts]
- Yeah? - Bruno, it's Beauchamp Day.
[sighs]
More snow already?
Um... maybe that, too.
I have a special request this time.
[groans] Um...
I've got some, uh... purple haze now and... some dynamite black beauties.
This is different.
You remember that friend of yours who settles scores?
Mm.
It's not what you think, it's nothing heavy, it's just... I need...
It's... kind of special. I mean, it's a...
- special situation. - [sighs]
- It'll cost you. - I know, I know.
Um, when can we talk?
- Tonight, eight o'clock. - Where?
[grunts] At the Doggy Diner.
[groans]
Uh...
No snow, huh?
Um...
- No, no, Bruno, not tonight. - [sighs]
[cable car bell ringing]
[sighs]
- Bourbon balls? - No, thanks. They're lovely, though.
I'll get straight to the point, Mrs. Halcyon.
Vita Keating suggested I approach you, concerning your interest in Pinus.
Hm.
How much do you know about Pinus?
Oh, well... most of it's hearsay, of course.
Word of mouth is our strongest safeguard.
Discrimination seems to be a nasty word these days, doesn't it?
We think of it as...
quality control.
[chuckles]
And, of course, the less publicity we receive, the more we can...
fulfill the needs of our members.
This is our brochure.
I'm sure you'd like to mull it over alone.
Aside from the social criteria, the only other requirement
for membership is to have reached one's 60th birthday.
- Your timing is perfect. - I know.
- Did Vita-- - Our philosophy is this.
That women of our... maturity
and our station in life
are entitled to whatever lifestyle we can afford.
We have, after all, played by the rules for 40 years.
Raising children, tolerating husbands,
joining the right clubs, supporting the correct charities.
We have paid our dues.
Pinus is not, of course, the only solution.
It's simply the most fulfilling one.
And if we have the money for it,
why on earth should we squander it on face- lifts
and body tucks and youth injections?
Fortunately, women like us can afford the best.
And what's wrong with that?
What's wrong with demanding our piece of the pleasure pie?
Can I talk to you, Grandma?
Who's mindin' the switchboard?
- Charlene. - [scoffs]
Well...
Keep it short and...
you can quit this Grandma crap.
Well? What's the problem?
I'm going home.
- I'm going back to-- - I heard you the first time.
Ashamed of me, are you?
No! I could never be ashamed of you.
So why are you quittin'...
the first decent job you ever had in your life?
I don't know.
It's spring and I keep thinkin' about San Francisco.
There are these purple trees on Barbary Lane.
- [sighs] - So why'd you leave?
Lookin' for family, I guess.
I thought you said you'd found it.
Part of it.
A big part.
Now I have to put it together.
That's why I'm taking you back to meet my father.
Me? [scoffs]
Oh, forget it!
Uh, I ain't even seen him in...
- ...40 fuckin' years! - Her.
- What? - You ain't seen her in 40 fuckin' years.
- Don't make no never mind. - Sure it does. She's your daughter now.
She ain't nothin' now!
That's good.
You're gettin' the pronoun right. Keep workin' on it.
Where do you keep your suitcases?
[Mary Ann] Why'd you leave California?
[Burke] I don't know.
I guess, um...
my father and all, he needed help with the publishing business.
[Mary Ann] Is that what you did in San Francisco?
[Burke] No. I was just, uh...
bummin' around.
[Mary Ann] For three years?
[Burke] Are you askin' me how rich I am?
- No! - [chuckles]
- No, I didn't-- I'm-- - [laughing]
I-- I'm-- I'm flustered, I guess.
Just so damn typical.
[chuckles]
You meet someone nice...
someone you get along with fabulously.
Of course, they live 3,000 miles away in Nantucket.
It's a gyp, that's all.
Was last night a gyp?
No.
You know that.
We have a week.
Let's make the most of it. Huh?
Okay.
Oh, how precious! [laughs]
- Make him go. - He's only trying to sell--
Please! [vomits]
Forgive me.
- No, it's... it's okay. He just, uh-- - I'm really sorry.
- ...startled you or something. - It wasn't him.
It was the rose.
[Anna] So, who is she, dear?
- [Brian] Who? - [chuckles]
The creature who's driven my carefree boy to utter distraction.
There is one, isn't there? Hm?
I think you've got the wrong carefree boy.
[laughs]
Besides, I don't feel like playin' games.
Of course, if you know any creatures, I could use another notch on my gun.
Brian, Brian...
That isn't you, dear.
- Ah, will you lay off with that? - I worry about you.
I know I'm a nosy old biddy.
But what the hell? Right now, I've got nothing better to do.
May I give you some advice?
The next time you meet a girl, someone that you really like...
pretend that you're a war hero
and that all your basic plumbing got shot off in the war.
- What? - [both chuckling]
I'm perfectly serious.
Don't tell a soul.
Especially her, for Heaven's sakes.
But, uh...
pretend to yourself...
that the only way you can communicate
is through your eyes
and your heart.
Hm?
Well, what if she wants, uh...
- you know, wants me to, uh... - [chuckling]
You can't.
[laughs]
You lost your wee- wee, remember?
All you can do
is smile bravely and invite her for dinner.
Or maybe a nice walk in the park.
And how long do I have to keep pretendin'?
Until she asks you.
What?
[chuckles]
If you've been wounded in the war, of course.
Then what do I tell her?
The truth.
That everything's intact.
It'll be a lovely surprise for her.
And you'll have a nice surprise, as well.
- What? - Hm.
[sighs]
You'll know the poor dear.
You might even like her by then.
Now, let me get this straight, man.
- You don't want her greased-- - Keep your voice down!
They're all space cadets, man. They ain't listenin'.
Okay, all right. I didn't mean to...
I'm just a little jumpy, I've never done this before.
So, tell me what you want.
[sighs]
I want you to see to it that...
she doesn't have the baby.
The babies.
- You want me to kick her in the gut. - I don't want you to hurt her.
You want me to kick her in the gut without hurting her?
She's my wife, right. I don't want any permanent harm done.
If you can't promise me that, we might as well call the whole thing off.
How the hell do you expect me to guarantee?
I mean... There could be, uh...
What'd you call it?
Uh...
Complications.
Well... try to avoid them. I mean, it can't be that difficult to arrange.
How much?
What's it worth?
Five thousand, considering the hassles.
I'll give you seven, but I want it done right.
- You know I'll subcontract it. - Okay.
- I want cash in advance. - How soon?
- Soon as I find somebody. - Make it soon.
- And Bruno... - Mm?
Wipe your mouth.
[telephone rings]
[opera aria playing]
Hello?
Just, uh... checking up on you.
Thanks.
If you need anything sent over, let me know, will you?
Beauchamp, why are you being so goddamn nice?
I guess I, uh... miss you.
I want those babies so much.
I'm not trying to hurt you.
I know, darling. We'll just give it some time.
I just need to be by myself for a while.
- I understand. - [sighs]
There's a chicken pot pie in the freezer.
And Beauchamp...
I do love you.
I know.
Guess what?
What?
I'm jealous.
I'm one jealous little queen.
I'm jealous of Burke because he's taken away my playmate.
I'm jealous of you because you found a lover.
I'm sorry, Mouse.
I should've made up with you earlier.
I'm... [sighs]
I'm a little edgy, I guess.
About what?
Burke.
- He's not... - He's perfect.
[laughs]
He's strong and he's sensitive and he's considerate and...
we're sexually...
you know, whatever, and he's...
He's protective, but he treats me like an equal
and he doesn't crack his knuckles and...
he's perfect.
But... not perfect.
On the beach today, someone tried to sell us a rose.
Burke took one look at the rose, turned white and threw up.
I mean, it isn't normal.
- Is it? - You're asking me?
I-- I tried to get him to talk about it, but he kept changing the subject.
It's like he didn't have the least idea why he reacted that way.
At least you found him. [sighs]
You'll find somebody, Mouse.
I know it.
In Acapulco, maybe.
Hm.
Maybe this time, huh?
Oh, I love you, Michael Mouse, for that.
What?
- Changing everything into a song lyric. - [chuckles]
Yeah.
"Isn't Liza Minnelli just darlin'?"
[laughs]
Is, uh...
your name Douchebag?
Yeah.
I'm Bruno.
So?
I wanna talk to you.
Nope. The band's got a sound check in two minutes.
Two minutes!
[seagulls calling]
[ship's horn blares]
Uh...
Mary Ann!
Help me!
- You okay? - Yeah. Yeah.
Uh...
♪ One, two, one, two, three, four ♪
So?
I just trash her a little bit, huh?
- Yeah. - Like, when?
Leave that up to me, punk.
And what do I get out of it?
What do you want?
I want to start my own group.
We need 300 bucks.
♪ Don't ask for a destination ♪
It's yours.
You know the Scorpions?
Sure.
It's gonna be a group like that.
Only we're gonna sing during our periods so we can really gross those mothers out.
Shit, man, I can't wait till I'm 13.
♪ Born- in atrocity's in our veins ♪
[sighs]
[tuts] Shit.
Por favor?
Great.
[sighs]
Uh...
Know any gay places?
You want a red light?
Uh, no, not red light. Um...
Men?
- Men? - Sí, men.
Oh, homosex.
Homosex?
♪ Please don't talk about love tonight ♪
♪ Please don't talk about sweet love ♪
♪ Please don't talk about bein' true ♪
♪ And all the trouble we've been through ♪
♪ Ah, please don't talk about All the plans we had ♪
♪ For fixin' this broken romance ♪
♪ I want to go where the people dance ♪
♪ I want some action ♪
♪ I want a little action ♪
♪ I've got so much to give ♪
- ♪ I want to give it ♪ - Dos Equis?
♪ I want to get some too ♪
♪ Oh, I ♪
♪ Oh- oh- oh, I ♪
♪ I love the nightlife ♪
♪ I've got to boogie ♪
♪ On the disco round, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, I love the nightlife ♪
♪ I've got to boogie ♪
♪ On the disco round
♪ Wind and fire and fallin' rain I'll be comin' through ♪
♪ There ain't nothin' gonna keep me From you, my love ♪
♪ No, nothin' ♪
♪ Nothin' gonna keep me from you My love ♪
♪ I'll find you
♪ Anyplace where you may hide ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ There ain't nothin' gonna keep me From you, my love ♪
♪ No, nothin' ♪
♪ Nothin' gonna keep me from you My love ♪
♪ I'll find you ♪
[man] Hey, gringo, you want to buy my sister?
♪ I admit it , I'm really a dreamer ♪
Michael?
♪ And I'm reachin' for a star Too high up there for hangin' on ♪
- What the hell are you doing here? - [chuckles]
It's the only queer joint in Acapulco.
Why Acapulco?
I'm on a cruise.
Uh, ship type.
What brings you here?
Vaginal infections.
You don't look sick.
[chuckles]
I'm at a convention, turkey.
A million laughs, huh?
Well, it is, actually. We get a lot of free time.
It's good seeing you, Jon.
- You're leaving? - Yeah. [sighs]
This place looks like the Ramrod on a bad night.
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll find somethin'.
I thought I had!
I have a car.
We could go for a ride or something.
[telephone rings]
[heavy breathing]
Hello?
[heavy breathing continues]
Look, if you just give me your phone number, that's all.
Hey, tell me your name, then.
- Just your first name, if you want. - [laughing]
[sighs]
I'm a nice guy, I swear.
Don't you think this is a little weird?
[trembling breaths]
[gasping]
[hangs up]
[sighs]
You haven't forgiven me, have you?
For what?
The Endup dance contest.
I don't blame you.
- It was a tacky scene. - [scoffs]
I was the tacky one, I was with some...
pissy queens from Seacliff, and I just couldn’t handle it.
Why would you even want friends like that?
I don't. Not anymore.
[chuckles]
I won the contest, you know.
You should have.
Gracias.
Mouse? Mouse, you will never believe what--
Bet I will.
[laughs]
Oh, I-- I feel sick.
- [belching] - [Mona] Don't start that again.
Ugh, My stomach feels tetchy.
You're just nervous. It's okay.
It's okay to experience a--
It ain't okay with me, girl.
Please, Mother Mucca, don't you want to meet Anna?
Anna?
Anna? [scoffs]
I called him Andy for 16 years!
What are you starin' at?
I know, but a lot has changed.
Says who?
[man] Help with your bags?
Is it this way?
[cable car bell ringing]
- Do you play with him? - Yeah, he's great.
Uh...
- Look at him! - Let's go this way and ask.
So, what's he look like?
[chuckles] I told you that already.
Well, tell me another goddamn time.
She's very...
very majestic.
God.
Sounds like a fuckin' racehorse.
See for yourself, then.
Taxi!
[woman] Isn't it marvelous?
I love watching them work.
It's so graceful and...
precise and... predictable.
- Unlike life. - Unlike life.
Whoa.
[chuckles]
You look fine. I'm the one who ought to be worrying.
You're eating for two, honey.
- Three. - [whistles]
You get dessert.
You're not married, are you?
I'm separated. Why did you think...
You just look, um... independent.
Oh...
By the way... [chuckles] My name's DeDe.
D'orothea.
- With an apostrophe. - An apostrophe?
Mm- hm.
I used to be a model, in a previous life.
Mm.
Uh...
Did you tell him we were coming?
I didn't say when, I didn’t want to put her in a negative space
- before we-- - What the hell are you talkin' about?
I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.
[scoffs] You didn’t mind making me feel uncomfortable.
Behave yourself, will you?
Come on. It's gonna be just fine.
I can't...
Mona, darlin', I... [sniffles]
I don't look like an old witch, do I?
Oh, Mother Mucca, you're beautiful.
Look... Don't worry, please. She's gonna love you.
Oh, we ain't brought her nothin'.
We're all she needs.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Mm. Okay.
[sighs] Well...
[sniffles]
Ring the doorbell, girl. [chuckles]
[footsteps]
Well? Do I get a hug?
Or don't I?
Isn't there somebody you'd like me to meet?
- Oh God, I'm sorry! - [scoffs]
Girl's got the manners of a mule.
[tuts]
[gasps]
S-- So glad you came.
Okay, well...
Can't stay long, ah... uh...
I know.
[sighs]
We can have a little sherry and a nice chat.
Mm. Yeah.
I never thought I'd meet anyone like you on this trip.
Come on. With your looks?
I mean it.
Most of the guys I meet in San Francisco,
all they wanna do is talk about their dumb Porsches,
their tape decks, but...
Oh, it's what you say, Burke. It's...
I don't know, it's...
[chuckling] how you look at me, how you react to things.
I...
I know you look at me as an equal.
I'll always be grateful for that.
Ever think about moving to San Francisco?
Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
- That's okay. - No, it's-- it's not.
I... I should change the subject.
No, um... we should talk.
Oh, God.
- Michael always had this instinct-- - Listen to me, Mary Ann.
[laughs]
I'm listening.
I lived in San Francisco for three years.
Three whole years of my life, and...
Do-- do you know why I'm so out of it?
Do you know where my goddamn boyish naiveté comes from?
I-- I live in San Francisco too, and a lot of my friends--
Listen, will you?
I can't remember a single goddamn thing about it.
Not a single goddamn thing.
Do you mean you...
You mean you have amnesia?
[laughs]
Oh, Burke!
[laughing]
It ain't natural.
I thought we'd gotten past that.
Speak for yourself.
I raised that child.
That's my own flesh and blood.
You raised her in a goddamn whorehouse, what did you expect? John Wayne?
[scoffs] I'm gonna slap you!
I thought I had some butter cookies,
but I think one of the children might've polished them off.
You got children?
She means the tenants.
I call them children.
It-- It's a little silly, I suppose.
But they don't seem to mind.
Or, if they do, they don't tell me.
So...
You've had lots of adventures, I suppose.
Winnemucca's a trip. [laughs]
Mm. I can imagine.
I hope Mona wasn't in the way.
She's a lot like both of us, don't you think?
She has your looks, though.
Ain't no wonder. Hm.
What?
You call that a hat?
Oh. [chuckles]
Well, I don't see what--
Damnation, girl, ain't you got no hair?
[sighs]
Of course I... I have...
Then why the hell you got it all crammed up under that bonnet
like you was bald as an egg?
Look, girl.
You and me gotta talk.
I assumed that was the purpose of this visit.
So where's your goddamn bedroom? Hm?
This way.
[sighs]
- And the thing about the roses? - That's part of it.
I also freak out on walkways with railings along the side.
- Like... Like you did yesterday. - That's part of it, too.
Hm.
- Burke? - Mm- hm?
Do you at least remember why you went to San Francisco?
I was a reporter. I was assigned there by the Associated Press.
And you remember nothing about it?
Oh, the first part's gruesomely clear.
The boredom, the deadlines.
- After five weeks, I quit. - Hm.
Oh, that's where the three- year blackout started.
What about your parents?
Didn't you write to them?
Just the usual "I'm fine, don't worry about me" stuff.
- Oh. - I lived on Nob Hill for a while.
I know that.
I attended services at Grace Cathedral. I did temporary clerical work.
So, at least you remember that much.
Oh, that's only what I told them. I don't remember.
Well... [laughs] If you don't remember,
then how'd you get back to Nantucket?
- They found me. - Who did?
Some cops in Golden Gate Park.
Seems I passed out. Took them three days to even figure out who I was.
I was lucky.
- I guess. - Hm.
The Nantucket stuff came back almost immediately, along with my name.
I just don't know what I was doing in San Francisco.
Welcome to the club.
[laughs]
Can I ask you one thing?
Please.
Who's gonna love you like this?
Like what?
Well, you ain't neither one thing or t'other.
Oh. This your feller?
Yes.
He is.
[Mother Mucca] Oh! [chuckles]
Right purdy, huh?
[laughs]
He went to the Blue Moon once.
When he was a boy.
Nah, come on. [scoffs]
[snorts]
He did!
He had Margaret. [laughs]
He told me.
[scoffs loudly]
God!
She-- She used to read you Winnie- the- Pooh!
- Huh! - I know!
I--
I remember.
Oh...
Oh, Mama!
Oh!
I know, baby.
[sobbing] Oh! Oh!
I know.
[Anna sobbing]
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Get. Hm.
- There, there. - Mama.
- There. - [door closes]
- Oh... - My baby.
- Oh. - Mm- hm.
[ship's horn blares]
[yelling in Spanish]
[Michael sighs] Look at him.
He'd look gorgeous in an aerial photograph.
[Mary Ann] I told you it would work out.
- Yes, I guess you did. - [chuckles]
- He's awfully nice. - I know.
- It scares the hell out of me. - Why?
Oh, don't make me analyze it. When I analyze things, they--
stop happening.
You know what I mean, don't you?
God, yes!
Seems like every time I start up with somebody new,
I can see the beginning and the end, all at once.
I know how it'll die.
- This time, I don't wanna know the end. - Maybe there won't be one.
- Everything ends, babycakes. - You and I haven't ended.
Yeah, we don't need each other.
It's those other turkeys we need. These "one and onlys."
[sighs] At least, we think we do.
Our poor little psyches have been marred forever
by Rock Hudson and Doris Day.
Guess what?
I did some dickering with the maître d'.
- Uh... I'm at your table now. Okay? - [chuckles]
Oh, that's wonderful!
Arnold and Melba will just adore you.
Oh, hell.
God, what are we gonna tell them?
Well...
I think we should say that our marriage simply isn't working, so...
we're planning an amicable divorce,
after which Burke and I will have a simple Episcopal wedding at Grace Cathedral.
- Very funny. - Oh, he's got a point, you know.
I could be gay. I mean, if I can’t remember...
You are not gay. That's an order.
I don't know, look at that body, girl.
Straight dudes don’t have washboard stomachs.
This one does.
Come on, you sickos. I’m so hungry I could eat a steward.
Thank you.
Here they come.
Hi, young marrieds!
Oh, no...
- Ooh! Who's your friend? - Oh, this is my friend--
[groaning]
Seasick.
Oh. He didn't strike me as that kind of feller.
- Great legs, though. - Huh?
Great to have sea legs.
Oh, right on! Mm!
Couldn't a psychiatrist do something?
If they could cure your amnesia,
wouldn't that take care of your fear of roses and...
walkways with railings?
I've seen one already.
He, um...
hypnotized me and, uh, interrogated me,
and did everything but stick pins in a voodoo doll, and...
nothing.
What if you...
I mean, I was wondering.
Maybe-- Wouldn't it sort of...
jog your memory if you, you know, came back to San Francisco?
It would almost be worth it.
To be with you.
It ju-- It ju-- It just seems that
if you were around your old places, if you were exposed to them...
- [sighs] - ...then... then maybe...
your memory might come back
and you could sort of, you know, exorcise your phobias.
[laughs]
- Oh. Who the hell am I kidding? - Not me.
[chuckles]
I hate goodbyes.
I always lose it.
Me too.
Nothing's ever been as nice as this.
I agree.
Then why don't we...
- Oh, God. - [laughs]
Do I look like I'm begging?
Do I look like I'm saying no?
Dummy.
You will?
[laughs]
Well-- What about your parents?
I mean, won't they be... a little, you know, freaked? I mean...
About... About San Francisco, I mean.
No more than I am.
I think there's a vacancy in my building.
No, it's... it's on Russian Hill, in Barbary Lane.
It has the-- has the most darling little walkway,
like something out of a fairy tale.
And the landlady is so neat.
And Michael lives just downstairs.
It's like we've made this... I don't know, family for ourselves.
Hold out your hand.
[chuckles] A key?
It was in my pocket when they found me in the park.
It's all that's left of me.
Whoever I am, Mary Ann...
I love you.
Well, Burke,
I asked Mary Ann to pick up something nice
for me in Mexico.
I didn't expect it to be this nice.
What about you, child? What did you bring me?
[Mary Ann] His is arriving on Friday.
Lay off.
- What's all that about? - MIchael doesn't like to talk about it.
I understand, dear. You're superstitious about him.
It is a him, isn't it?
- Mm- hm. - Thank heavens!
There's so few things you can count on these days. [laughs]
Now, follow me, children.
I want the whole family together while I clear the air.
So Andy died.
You came back as Anna Madrigal?
It's a nice name, don't you think?
- It's an anagram. - Did you know?
I didn't know she was my father.
But she knew my past.
She's the only one who did.
So...
Burke, it's not too late to back out.
Please!
I'm so proud of you!
[Anna sighs]
I think Mona's the luckiest person in town.
[sighs]
I don't believe you.
[chuckles]
You'll manage.
So, uh...
if there are no more questions, um...
Wait a minute.
How can Anna Madrigal be an anagram for Andy Ramsey?
I said it was an anagram, I didn't say what for.
So, what is it?
Well, dear...
you're talking to a woman of mystery.
[distant siren wailing]
- [laughter] - [Mona] My hands hurt for a week!
[Burke] You're kidding.
Late date?
[chuckles]
You seeing someone now?
Uh, you could say that.
You okay?
Yeah, sure.
Good night.
Good night, dear.
Good night.
[sighs]
[door closes]
It's just that, when she told us...
a lot of other things started to make sense.
Like what?
You have to promise not to tell.
Sure.
Well...
there was this awful man who moved into the pentshack last year.
Norman Neil Williams.
He was always nosing around, asking questions.
And on Christmas Eve,
I found out he'd been investigating Mrs Madrigal.
He'd made up a big file on her, like she was some sort of criminal.
What did he do with the file?
He didn't do anything.
I burned it.
Did he know you burned it?
No.
So where is he now?
I don't know, exactly.
He just kind of...
dropped out of sight.
He won't come chasing after you, then.
[sighs]
I hope not.
[sighs]
Doc. Gynecologist.
What was the purpose of your visit?
Uh... Business.
[whistling]
I do not know you.
Come on, big boy. You remember.
We bumped into each other at the roller rink in South City.
1948, I believe it was.
You're an asshole, you know that?
- Did you miss me? - [drumming]
That grey- haired man behind you is the most distinguished gynecologist
- on the West Coast. - [bells jangling]
- He has dandruff. - He knows me.
I'd never hire a gynecologist with dandruff.
Would you at least slow down?
- Why, you wanna smooch? - [chanting]
I'll punch you out, so help me.
You're a stuffy old bastard, you know that?
♪ Krishna, Hare Krishna ♪
- ♪ Krishna, Krishna ♪ - Mm.
♪ Hare, Hare ♪
- ♪ Hare Rama ♪ - Satisfied?
- ♪ Hare Rama ♪ - Satiated.
[bell jingling]
[jingling continues]
We've been avoiding roses.
At least, we've been trying to. And walkways.
But as long as we keep doing that,
we're just gonna keep avoiding the cause of your amnesia
and I think we should be dealing with it.
So what do you want me to do? Camp out in a rose garden?
Well, yes! [laughs] Something like that.
- Forget it! - Burke.
There's this warehouse south of Market, where they sell flowers.
All the retailers go there
At five in the morning, no doubt.
- Three. [chuckles] - Ouch.
Aww.
We could stay out all night long.
Find a little place with onion soup, like they do in Paris.
- We could turn it into a real adventure! - [sighs]
Hm?
Oh... [sighs]
Don't you see?
If we expose you to a lot of roses, I mean thousands of them,
we might short- circuit whatever it is that's freaking you.
- Oh, terrific. - I mean--
It wouldn't be a surprise or anything.
You could prepare yourself, and I'd be with you.
And just when do you want to pull off this caper?
Well... [chuckles]
Tonight, right?
[laughs]
Okay.
Where are you going?
Well, I have to change, don't I?
Will jeans do , or do I need a tuxedo for Les Halles?
[laughs]
Now where are you going?
If I'm gonna deflower you,
you can at least return the favor.
[moaning]
♪ Praise Jesus ♪
♪ Love... ♪
[man on TV] Anita Bryant was once known as an orange juice saleswoman.
Not anymore.
With a religious fervor that has made her
America's most controversial woman overnight,
she has been selling her Save Our Children group.
[Anita] I love homosexuals, if you can believe that.
- [Jon] What the hell? - Enough to tell them the truth.
Because I know that there is hope for the homosexuals,
that if they're willing to, uh... turn from, uh, sin,
the same as any individual,
that, uh... that they can be ex- homosexuals,
the same as you can be an ex- murderer, an ex- thief, or ex- anybody.
- [man] Her group is crusading... - She sells orange juice.
...to repeal a new Dade County law, which protects homosexuals
in jobs and housing.
- Anita and her church-- - So?
Stop drinking it.
My folks grow oranges.
Shit is happening in their own backyard.
Bryant says no homosexual should have the right to teach her four children.
- She's in Miami with that message. - Right.
- Those who call her a religious bigot... - Probably out saving the children now.
- Her campaign... - They're saving them from me.
...on both sides...
- Do they even know about you? - [sighs] Not yet.
- You think they're ready? - Ah, they'll never be ready.
- Gay activists told... - [sighs]
They're past changing.
Most of them left the building in favor of the law.
For those who have some sympathy...
[scoffs] They just get more of the same.
- If a person is for the gay rights law... - Then why?
I love them, Jon. They don't even know who I am.
If a person is against the law...
Well, they're 3,000 miles away.
Yeah.
- Can't they keep assuming that you're-- - An eccentric old bachelor?
That's what they call them in Orlando. Uncle Roger was one.
Taught English and raised day lilies. [chuckles]
Made these little puppets out of knotted handkerchiefs.
Everybody liked him 'cause he played by the rules.
Never made 'em think about it. Not until the day he died.
I never saw him touch another human being.
Not one.
I hope to God he got laid.
[sighs]
I bet you can't roll with six of them.
[Mary Ann] It's eerie, but it's kind of glamorous at the same time.
Remember Audrey Hepburn in Charade?
- You aren't nervous, are you? - The word is numb.
- You want me to go first? - I'm ready.
- We can leave any time you want. - Let's do it.
[man] I've got a will- call on a batch of...
[woman] You know what? Um, let's have some--
Excuse me.
Do you have any roses?
Over there. But they're all wholesale, love.
Mm.
Now, Burke, I want you to let me know
- if at any point-- - It's okay, sweetheart. I'm...
It's all right.
Go closer.
[Mary Ann] You wanna go closer?
[gasping]
[vomiting]
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was a crummy idea. We should never have come here.
Did you see the guy with the hair transplant?
Yes?
Maybe I'm wrong, but I could've sworn he recognized me.
- Are you sure? - No. But it was like I startled him.
You wait here. Wait here?
Mm- hm.
[moans]
Jon?
Jon.
Something's wrong.
Oh, you're just dreamin', sport. It's okay.
No, it's not. I can't move.
[groans]
It's my legs. I can't move my legs.
Mary Ann.
Burke and Mary Ann are here.
- Did you wake them? - No, we-- What's the matter?
We're workin' on that. My legs have gone to sleep.
- [Jon] You feel that? - [Michael] No.
No.
- How about this? - Yes!
Good.
Good, my ass! What's goin' on?
I'm taking you to the hospital.
- I'll call your parents. - I'd rather you didn't.
I think we should, Mouse, I think your family deserves to know.
This is my family.
- We'll meet you there. - Yeah.
[woman on PA] Dr. Maskell, please report to ICU.
They're going to do a spinal.
I don't know what that means.
A lumbar puncture. They'll check for elevated protein levels, uh...
diminished white cells.
They think it’s Guillain- Barré.
Uh, Jon, translation?
It's a rare form of paralysis.
It starts in the feet, then the legs, usually, and it, uh...
it climbs.
Nobody knows what causes it, and lots of times, uh...
it goes away completely.
The only real risk is to his respiratory system.
If the paralysis advances enough to impede breathing,...
Yes?
Then they'll perform a tracheotomy.
It's that serious?
What did the doctors say? What can they do?
Nothing.
It's like watching somebody...
sink in quicksand.
[birdsong]
What did you tell DeDe?
Oh, the truth.
- Well, in part. - [laughs]
I told her I was going to the family house in Napa.
- Oh. - She wasn't listening. She's so...
distracted lately.
Didn't I read she's pregnant?
Very.
She's expecting twins.
- Aren't you nervous about leaving? - No, I...
How long is this going to take?
- Hmm. It depends. - On what?
On how much you like it.
[laughs]
Well...
A few days won't hurt.
Anyway, she has the most divine young gynecologist.
I am a little tired of playing the doting grandmother.
You won't have to worry about that at Pinus.
Most of us are grandmothers,
but you're shot at dawn if you talk about it. [laughs]
Open the glove compartment, darling.
- Why? - Just do it.
You see that little silver pill box?
- Yes. - Look in the back.
You'll find a thermos.
Uh- huh...
I want you to pour yourself a nice cup of apple juice
and take a vitamin Q tablet.
Vitamin Q?
Don't ask questions. You're in our hands now.
For God's sake, Mary Ann. Three typos! Three!
Christ, I could do better with a Kelly Girl!
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Beauchamp, I just...
I-- I can't concentrate today. I have a friend who's sick.
Boyfriend?
No, he's just-- he's a good friend.
I'm sorry about that, but I can't afford to give you time off right now.
I didn't ask for any.
You were crying, I've seen that routine before.
It's not a routine!
- Give me the letter. - You don't have to get sullen.
Give me the letter!
You're pushin' it, girl.
Think I won't shit- can you 'cause you worked for the old man?
Or better still, 'cause I screwed you a couple of times?
Oh, actually, I think about you as little as possible.
Oh! Farrah Fawcett- Dumbshit made a funny!
I'm leaving.
You're goddamn right you're leaving!
Jesus H Christ, how long do you think I could stomach you
and your cutesy- pie cartoons on the file cabinets?
Fine. You can do your own decor.
You can call some of your chic closet- case friends,
maybe they can help you out.
You're as common as they come.
Maybe.
[scoffs] Maybe?
Why do you think you’re still a secretary, sweetie pie?
'Cause you’re a dumb little bourgeois bitch
and you'll stay that way.
until someone gives you a set of Tupperware
for 20 years' loyal secretarial service.
Well, thank God it won't be me!
I have never met anyone as horrible--
Forget the other agencies.
There won’t be any glowing recommendations from Halcyon.
Eat shit and die.
[door slams]
"Too much of a good thing is... wonderful!"
[chuckling]
A cheeseburger, an order of fries and a chocolate shake!
And step on it!
- [man] You're back! - You missed me?
- Is the Pope Catholic? - Oh, you're sweet.
[laughs] Open up, Blue!
We've got the new gal with us.
You're going to like Bluegrass.
Under normal circumstances, he's assigned to me, but, uh...
Well, I... I like you, Frannie. Take him.
[laughing] Oh! Helena! I couldn't!
Oh! Pish!
[laughing]
[radio static crackling]
[man] Extreme caution, sending backup.
[telephone rings]
One Adam 14...
... at 245...
- Yeah? - [Beauchamp] Bruno, it's me.
I know a lot of mes.
Well, this is the me in Jackson Square. Do...
- Do you have the man? - I've got...
I got the person.
Okay, listen.
My wife's going to a fashion show tomorrow night.
It’s out at the Palace of the Legion of Honor.
She’ll be driving her mother’s Mercedes.
You can't miss it. The license plate says "FRANNI."
F- R- A- N- N- I, you got that?
I got it.
How do you want the money?
Tens and twenties.
Meet me. Same place as before.
I'll call the contact.
- Listen Bruno, I don't want her-- - I know!
I won't accept responsibility if she's, uh...
Hm.
If it's permanent.
Is that perfectly clear?
You're a fuckin' prince.
[ducks quacking]
I feel marvelous, Helena!
You can Jane, if you like.
- What? - Scream.
We-- We call it Janing. It's a sort of Tarzan yell for women.
Only it's a lot more fun. Go ahead.
Go on. Give it a whirl.
All right.
[ululating]
- No! No, that's not Janing, darling. - [laughing]
- Well, then, how do you? - You do it like this.
Huh...
huh, huh, huh...
[grunting]
[screaming]
[groans]
- Where is everyone? - Hiding, probably.
The other girls are a little wary of talking to youngsters
and technically, you're not 60 until tomorrow night.
[chuckles]
What do I do till then?
Ask Birdsong.
Who?
- Oh, Mrs. Parrish, I didn't know you-- - That's all right, Birdsong.
This is Mrs. Halcyon.
Hello.
Oh, How do you do?
[Helena] Birdsong is your houseboy.
I must dash.
Ta- ta!
Huh?
Well, I suppose it's time for your bath.
[giggles]
My bath?
[elevator bell dings]
[woman on PA] Call for Dr. Fielding on line two.
Line two, Dr, Fielding.
- This is Jon Fielding. - [Beauchamp] What's up, Doc?
[sighs]
[chuckles] I didn’t exactly expect the trumpet fanfare,
but after all this time, the least you could muster is a cheery hello.
Are you calling about your wife's pregnancy?
I thought you and I could get together and make a few babies.
- Just for old times' sake, mind you. - I'm going to hang up now.
Oh, come off it!
I think I made it clear to you before, I don't want you to call me here.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
What's the matter, you goin' steady or somethin'?
You're a slug, Beauchamp.
[chuckles] I'll bet you say that to all the boys.
Mm! [chuckles]
Look at you!
A queen's wet dream. [groans]
How you feelin'?
Ah, less and less. It's normal, isn't it?
Sure.
It usually ascends.
Before it gets better, that is.
I gotcha.
How's that? You feel it moving up?
It's kind of tingling.
Mm. So, what's in the bag?
Jon! Oh, you remembered!
God, this must be late '50s, at least!
I've gotta see the ads.
You know, whoopee cushions
and that little metal thing that was supposed to turn you into a ventriloquist.
You ever send off for one?
No, of course you didn't.
And I bet you never read the Charles Atlas ads either.
Listen, asshole, if you were ever...
a 98- pound weakling, you sure got over it fast.
That'll go.
And the pecs. [sighs]
They'll go down like a preacher’s daughter.
When will this be over, Jon?
It can run its course in a matter of... a matter of weeks.
What the fuck? I’m gonna be paralyzed, aren’t I?
I think so.
- And how am I gonna breathe? - It may not progress that far.
You poor bastard.
Thought you had a fruit, you ended up with a vegetable!
Just shut up, will you?
Hold my hand?
[sighs]
Hm.
Is that better?
It's kind of tingling.
Your hand?
Act two, right?
I don't wanna die.
Just shut up.
I’m sorry. That was terribly Jane Wyman of me.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna be right with you, all the time.
Mm.
[sighs]
[loud rock music playing]
[switches music off]
Tomorrow night.
- You got that? - Yeah, yeah, I got it.
I'll call you there.
Don't move till then.
When I call...
you run like hell up that hill to the Legion of Honor.
It'll be some time after eight o'clock.
- You know how to get here? - I told you, man.
[sighs]
I promise you, punk.
You screw this up and you won't get the dough.
Okay, okay.
[birdsong]
Hi, it's DeDe.
- Hey! How's the tummy? - Bigger.
- But not better? - I don't know, really. I worry a lot.
Hmm. About what?
Well... it's morbid.
But sometimes I get the creepiest feeling
that something horrible's gonna happen.
My gynecologist tells me it's typical for first- timers,
so I guess I just shouldn't worry about it.
You need to get out more.
Could you go to a Junior League fashion show tonight?
I know it's late notice, but...
You free for lunch?
[meows]
I used to be a model, DeDe.
At Halcyon Communications.
[laughs] What?
I was one of the adorable pantyhose girls.
- Why didn't you say? - [sighs]
Well, for one thing, your husband fired me.
And, um...
I wasn't sure if you find him as big an asshole as I do.
Oh, God, D'Or. We're separated, remember?
Yeah, but things are so goddamn mellow these days.
I mean, you two could be taking S together or...
going to Incompatibility Rap Sessions or whatever.
[DeDe] Why did he fire you?
I didn’t show up for a couple of jobs.
My skin was...
I had a skin condition.
And the whole time it was wearing off, I looked like hell.
It's a long story, DeDe.
My precise words about me and Beauchamp.
[both chuckle]
[low speech on radio]
[sighs]
What do you think? Hm?
It's beautiful.
We'll fly it on the beach when you're feeling better.
I picked up your mail for you, Mouse. Do you want me to read it?
What is it? Pink slip from the clap clinic?
Uh, no. [laughs]
I think it's a letter from your parents.
- Great, go ahead. - Yeah?
Okay.
"Dear Mikey,
your papa and I were glad to get your card from Acapulco.
I guess you're back now. Please write to us.
Also, how is Mary Ann and when will we get a chance to meet her?
Orlando has been real cold this winter,
but I expect you heard all that on Walter Cronkite.
Some of the oranges were frozen clear through.
But Papa says for you not to worry, since we’re still getting 3.50 a box.
The only problem now is with...
the homosexuals."
Shit, Mouse. Maybe we should do this later.
No, go on.
Okay.
"Down in Dade County, they passed a law
that says you can't refuse to hire homosexuals
or even refuse to rent to them.
Anita Bryant spoke out against it, bless her heart.
I reckon that'll help, since she's a Christian mother of four
and a Miss America runner- up.
And Reverend Harker says, since homosexuals can't reproduce,
they have to recruit children."
She wouldn't say that if she knew, dear. Not about her own son.
She'd say it about somebody else's son, what's the difference?
- Fuck, Mouse, if I could fix it for you-- - You can.
Got a pen on you?
Sure.
Take a letter, Ms. Ramsey.
Shoot.
Dear Mama...
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write,
but every time I try, I realize I'm not saying the things that are in my heart.
And that'd be okay if I loved you any less than I do.
But you are still my parents and I am still your child.
I guess I wouldn't have written
if you hadn't told me about your involvement
in the Save Our Children campaign.
That, more than anything, made it clear
that my responsibility
was to tell you the truth.
That your own child is homosexual.
That I never needed saving from anything,
except the cruel and ignorant piety of people like Anita Bryant.
No, Mama, I was not recruited.
No seasoned homosexual ever served as my mentor.
[Mona laughs]
But you know what?
I wish someone had.
I wish someone older than me and wiser than the people in Orlando
had taken me aside and said, "You're all right, kid.
You...
You're not crazy or sick or evil,
- and you can love and be loved." - [door opens]
Hi, Mouse!
Hi, guys.
Oh, don't stop.
"You can love and be loved
without hating yourself for it."
No one ever said that to me, Mama.
I know what you must be thinking right now.
You're asking yourself, "What did we do wrong?
Which one of us made him that way?"
All I can say is this.
If you and Papa are responsible for the way I am,
then I thank you with all my heart.
It's the light,
the joy of my life.
[sighs]
Being gay has shown me
the limitless possibilities of living.
It's given me people whose... whose passion and...
kindness and sensitivity...
have provided a constant source of strength.
It's brought me into the family of man, Mama,
and I like it here.
I like it.
Please don't feel you have to answer this right away.
It is enough for me to know that I no longer have to lie
to the people who taught me to value the truth.
Everything is fine at 28 Barbary Lane.
Your loving son,
Michael.
[theme music playing on TV]
[man] It's time for the Family Feud!
Do you have to wear that... garbage bag?
It's disgusting.
It's all torn.
I told you to buy me some new ones!
Where are you going? You'll miss The Brady Bunch.
- Heidi. Heidi! - Let's start the Family Feud!
[cheering on TV]
Promise me you won't stick your gum up your nose tonight.
I'll have my usual.
[woman] Is that DeDe with someone?
[lively Latin music playing on radio]
[music continues]
He was so cute, Burke.
And I was furious with him.
He was with this guy I really liked.
All night long, I keep saying to myself, "What a waste!"
What a waste!
And I believed it, too.
I believed he was wasted. That he had gone wrong, somehow.
- But that's okay. - [scoff]
- People change. - [sighs]
I didn't.
Not for a long time.
- Don't be so hard on yourself. - [sighs]
Michael loves you. You must have done something right.
I hope.
Mary Ann, there were times in Mexico
when I was eaten up with jealousy.
[laughing] Jealousy?
- Of Michael? - Well, Michael and you together.
Michael and you laughing and conspiring together.
Michael and you, uh, playing tricks on Arnold and Melba.
Um...
Michael and you pretending-- Hell, you weren't pretending!
You were married.
You were as married as two people can be.
[laughs]
[telephone rings]
- Do you want me to get that? - No.
[DeDe] This is such a magical place.
Sometimes I think there's a huge magnet inside
that keeps me from leaving.
- Do you want to leave? - I think about it.
Problem is, when you're born at the end of the rainbow,
there's no place to go.
Maybe there's a city you haven't seen.
So? There's lots of cities I haven't seen yet.
- Athens, Vienna... - No, I mean here.
You know, DeDe, there's a surprising number of people in this town
whose shoes don't match their handbags.
[sobbing]
No, no, I'm all right.
What time did he...
No, I will.
I will. Jon...
thank you for telling me.
Is, uh... Michael...
It isn't Michael!
[telephone rings]
Jesus Christ, man. You said eight o'clock.
[Bruno] Yeah?
Well, I lied. Go home, punk.
What about my money?
[sighs]
There ain't gonna be no money, 'cause there ain't gonna be no job.
The client just got barbecued in the Broadway Tunnel.
Shit!
[sirens blaring]